Can't Say Why
by style xx
Summary: DISCONTINUED Hiro fights to keep his love for Shuichi at bay and soon finds himself burdened by Suguru’s unwanted affections. Why can’t life just work out the way it should? [HiroShuichi, SuguruHiro]
1. Do

_**a/n:** My first 'Gravitation' fanfic. I'm not terribly familiar with the characters so bear with me in OOC land. Anyway, I think there should be more Hiro-Shuichi fiction out there!_

_Disclaimer: Happily, I have never done drugs and am therefore unable to create any story remotely as ridiculous as Gravitation. (Waves the disclaiming wand)_

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**Chapter 1 **

"They always worried about me, but I totally showed them! I finally made a life for myself; a perfect, normal life!"

There are definitely levels to how insane he is, and I can proudly say that I am completely unshaken by most of them. This, though? I find it too hard not to react, even if it is just a lift of my head and eyebrows.

I guess you could call this a bit of a down day. I mean, yeah, Sakano is panicking about some press appearance tomorrow, Suguru is throwing a fit about something or another, and K is off blowing shit up...but other than that, there's really nothing going on. So, here I sit, screwing around with my guitar in our 'conference room' as Shuichi checks his email on Sakano's computer.

I think he was talking to himself, but whatever.

"Normal life?" I repeat him, actually feeling the amusement leaking out of my ears. I'm not smiling, though. That'd be a waste of energy on my part, seeing as he doesn't ever watch my reactions.

"Aww, awww! Maiko misses me!" It occurred to me, once, that Shuichi naturally leans toward nonsensical conversations—dialogue that probably shouldn't even be called that. It's not like he ignores my questions...I just think...he's, well, too...he just doesn't pay attention, I guess. Maybe I should feel insulted, but I don't.

"I'd hardly call your life normal," I say with an airy smile, continuing as if he had actually answered my question. I lower my gaze back to the guitar in my lap. "What, with the band, and the famous boyfriend, you know?"

He actually turns this time, gently worrying his lower lip. I wish I wouldn't notice these things.

"Do you think Eiri would like me better if I was more normal?" Ignoring the fact that that made almost no sense, he's worried; worried about pleasing that silly novelist. I'd almost find this unbelievable, that he'd ask me such a weird question, but this is Shuichi...he fits 'weird' to a T.

"Maybe," I return, noncommittal in every way. If he was anyone else, he would have noticed that talking about his and Yuki's relationship makes me squirmy, and if he was anyone else, I would have told him so. Yeah, I can see why he'd initially be attracted to someone as abrasive as that Yuki character; I just don't get why it hasn't gotten old.

Shuichi...ick. I know you tend to bleed when you're excited, but I hope you're not a masochist.

I look up at him, but he's focused on his laptop again, eyes shining. Yuki must have been awfully nice to him last night. I think I just heard him say his lover's name, the silly boy.

Being born just a bit dull, like that, must give a disadvantage, but the lack of cunning puts him in a position where fidelity comes easy—it's practically a given.

Cute...? Yeah, he is. I won't lie.

"Eiri, Eiri, Eiriii." He says the word delicately and quietly, like he's afraid of exposing such a holy thing to the outside world. I hear him tapping his foot at the ground. "Wonder what's for dinner..."

He acts like Yuki is his housewife, though it's painfully obvious who the controlling one in their relationship is. The novelist has the ability to literally operate my friend to his moods...do you think that wouldn't get on my nerves a bit? And then that he's so flippant about it...! I don't like seeing Shuichi stifled by Yuki's bad moods, but how can I say anything when the man's simple acknowledgement gets him so...high?

Shuichi can shine on his own. I hate this collar Yuki has around his neck...and there's no way I can break it...still, I don't understand. Small part of me doesn't even want to.

"Yuki's cooking again?" I ask, feigning interest in their weird relationship. Best friends are supposed to do that kind of thing, I guess. As it turns out, my supposed desire for these details just delights him.

"Yeah! YES!" He jumps up and knocks down the laptop, effectively giving Suguru and Sakano something new to bellyache about. "His cooking is...YES!" And there he goes, bouncing off in some other world with his dreamy eyes and ridiculously-coloured hair. I lean back against the wall and watch him, detached, as I monologue here.

"Hiro!" He ceases his spazzing to kneel on the ground in front of me. My eyes meet his, forming that sort of comfortable eye-contact that only close friends can form, and I wait for him to speak, a pleasant (but not overly pleased) look on my face. I can already see the direction in which this conversation will sail.

"If...If...Eiri...and me...you know..." Please, spit it out. That apprehensive look in your eyes is killing me. "I mean, do you like Yuki or Uesugi better, like, if I had to take his...last...na...me..."

Three, two—aw, Jeez, man! Blood all over my face. Predictably, the squirt flew off in another direction with a strange wail and saved me from a mighty awkward conversation. Then again, Sakano will probably wet himself over the bloody state of the left wall. I'm not looking forward to hearing how much his indiscretion (understatement there) upset The Honorable President Seguchi, which it probably didn't, but—hey, I'm not going to try to understand Sakano. Sakano is like...

Hm. Maybe I'll head home early.

Yeah, I think I will. And, on an unrelated note, I can't stand the feel of this blood on my face. Blood doesn't bother me, not in itself...but this blood does. This is the kind of blood that makes me mad. It's the kind that Shuichi just, well, spurts out carelessly whenever he thinks of Yuki. It's shed in Yuki's name. Yeah, and I'm grossing myself out with this train of thought.

So it bothers me a bit. It's like having the words "EIRI YUKI," or, if it so pleases Shuichi, "EIRI UESUGI," glaring all up in my face in a very metallic-smelling way. Please, I won't gag, but...allow me to at least be a bit offended.

Offended is okay...I just hope I never feel compelled to act on it. As much as I want to look out for the little psycho, somehow...I don't think getting Yuki away from him would help...nope.

A drink, though, that would definitely help. Me, at least. If only I could remember where I stashed Ayaka's number...

_**

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_**a/n:** I'll update quickly so bear with me..._


	2. Re

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_**a/n:** If it's too hard to tell, Hiro is a little tipsy at the beginning. Language warning, if you happen to be sensitive to that stuff._

* * *

**Chapter 2**

This was a long day. Thank hells it's over. Well, it's not over yet. Not technically. Wait, I don't—maybe it is? Why is it so hard to see...? I'm somewhere dark, it seems...um...crap...oh, hi, Ayaka. You look nice tonight.

"You alright, Hiro?" What a sweet smile she's wearing. I think I'm leaning on her.

"Yep." Yeeeah, I'm alright. I'm just damn fine, even if my heart hurts and I'm pissed as hell and I don't even know why. I must be really frustrated...I mean, I am. I am right frustr—whoa...the room...where is it going? Oh. Miss Ayaka, please don't look at me like that! You have no idea how cruddy I feel right now. No idea...

Um, penguins.

"Shuichi," I groan into the table I've fallen over on. "Where's he?" Ayaka's small hand rests on my shoulder and I'm just glad I can hold alcohol well. She'd probably put me out if I retched on her now...and why doesn't she answer my question?

"Do you want to lay down, sweetie?"

What a soft voice she has. Such a tranquil, understanding look. I admire that, Ayaka...thanks for being so patient with me. I'm such an ass. Sweetie, sweetie...you know what? I bet you anything that Yuki never called Shuichi "sweetie," and I bet you anything and a dollar that Shuichi would throw his damn self off a building if Yuki did call him that. It doesn't make any damn sense.

That frigid bastard—Ow! Owww.

"Crud...thanks...Aya..." I massage my head where I hit it on the wall, and the girl comforts me with soothing words—at least, she tries. I can't make sense of what she's saying, 'cause all the frick I can hear, see, smell...is Eiri Yuki. I can practically see him smirking at me...where are you right now! Probably saying something cold to Shuichi, I know it.

I'm going to have to deal with the aftermath. I'm going to have to deal with the damn whining.

"Why do I have to comfort him when I'm not the one who hurts him? He...shouldn't be with Yuki."

A cool hand covers my face. Lilacs...

"Shh, Hiroshi. You're talking nonsense." A smile, and Ayaka's sweet breath on my lips. I bet mine smells like crud. She kisses me gently and runs a hand through my hair. Somehow, I don't feel like I deserved that kiss. The soft purity in a girl's lips; the care, like something so sweet...really, Ayaka...my teeth will rot...you're spoiling me.

But, still...how...nice. God, I'm so tired. I don't get it, I've never gotten even this slammed...I hope she doesn't hate me after this. What the hell has gotten into—

**...(tormenta)...**

...Hrrm.

What time is it...? I must have fallen asleep. Thank gods I seem to be in my own bed, though.

"Come on, Hiro, you're acting ridiculous..." I tell myself this as I lay here and stare up at the ceiling like an idiot. For some reason, though, I'm not tired at all...I feel like I've been awake for half a day already. Don't even feel like I need to blink.

"Heh heh heh. You're insane, talking to yourself."

Ah, what? Ayaka stayed over?

"No, retard." My nose is flicked. "It's Shuichi."

Mental note to stop thinking aloud.

"Shuichi..." I bite back a groan and sit up on my bed. I'm still fully clothed, but it seems someone was kind enough to tuck me in. I really do feel like an idiot. "What the heck happened?"

The guy grins from where he sits, cross-legged, on a stool a few feet away. "Ayaka asked me to hang around until you woke up. She thought you might have poisoning or something."

I scratch my head and attempt to soften my crazily tangled hair, getting up off the bed and stretching out. "Why were you here?" I don't bother to think about what an asinine question that is. It's not like he's the master of intelligent conversation, anyway.

"I wasn't!" He jumps off the stool and his grin widens. "She had to go somewhere, so she called me over. I think she reaaaally likes you, Hiro. She was so worried."

Normally I'd worry about the heat that's building in my face, but I'm too dazed to really care. I just wish Shuichi would skip the smug look. I feel like I'm in high school again.

"Yeah," I answer. "But, I mean, I probably just fell asleep on her. I was exhausted." Wait, was that really why? Honestly, I didn't drink that much, so it couldn't have been because I was slammed. I just don't remember doing anything "exhausting" today, either.

"Pthh." He sticks his tongue out childishly. "Yeah, right."

"Eh." I shrug sheepishly and look to the side, dumping myself down on the bed again. "What's the time?" I'm not even remotely eloquent when it comes to subject changing...but hey, whatever works.

"Probably 2 or 3," Shuichi replies, his eyes widening for emphasis. That smug grin turns into one of pure amusement. "You don't look tired at all!"

2 or 3? In the morning? I sure do pick great times to wake up.

"Well, what the heck?" I turn my head to look at him, speaking in a light tone. "Shouldn't you be shacked up with Mister Universe right now?" Leave it to The Brilliant Hiro to bring up the one topic he's never remotely wanted to talk about.

Shuichi's smile falters, but his wine-toned eyes become very intense.

"You owe me a night, Hiro!" He whines. I won't even bother to mention what images come up in my head at that comment. "Eiri kicked me out again! He was SO pissed when Ayaka called. He hasn't gotten much sleep since he's got that deadline, and he's been brick tired 'cause when I got home, he had to make dinner and then I kinda forced him into-"

He stops abruptly and a slight blush graces his full cheeks. I laugh weakly and wave it off, thankful that I didn't have to hear the rest of that sentence...though we both know quite well what he was about to say.

I guess this time isn't really Yuki's doing, but, look, I'm always the one Shuichi goes to for a place when the guy kicks him out. Eh. I don't even know what I'm complaining about. This was my fault anyway, and since when have I minded Shuichi's company?

Hey, Eiri Yuki...It's your loss, right?

Right...

Except I'm going to have to stay up listening to him TALK about Yuki all night!

I smile tolerantly as Shuichi starts telling me about something Yuki said...or maybe something he did...I'm not listening, in all truth. All I really care about is watching that smile; letting him show off his bright, happy glow. There's something frighteningly real about the emotions in his expression. The look in his face, it practically screams...

I am in love.

It's the most confusing and painful thing for me to have to do, listening to him talk about the novelist. I won't say anything, though; I won't stop him and I'd never consider it.

Shuichi...for now, just let me watch your smiling face.

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_**a/n**: it's light-hearted now, but it'll get darker. Just you wait._


	3. Mi

_**a/n**: I've pondered why I'm not getting like, any reviews for this...what I came up with is that most Grav-fans pretty much hate anything that makes sense, so they don't read mine. Sorry, but I can't just write random OOC fluff. I guess reviews are my sacrifice for a good product._

_thanks to my few reviews, though. you're the best._

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**Chapter 3 **

"U-Um, pardon me, Mr. Seguchi...please...Mr. Shindo didn't mean..."

How the heck did I end up in this mess! All was peaceful and normal in our studio just a moment ago...Suguru, the little complainer, was showing us some of his new arrangements, K was requesting (threatening) our way into some more TV appearances, and Sakano was, I don't know, pouring tea...

Then along came The Big Bad Tohma with some ass to kick and names to take. Namely, Shuichi's.

Now, the two idiots are practically at each other's throats, and Sakano, the poor sap, is trying to actually calm them down. Sometimes I think he really can't take a hint. Ay, the way Seguchi is glaring at him for that comment!

"Mr. Sakano, I don't believe I requested your input in this conversation." The blonde president dons a derisive smile and glances sharply at our producer. Sakano backs down, albeit reluctantly, and Tohma returns his attention to Shuichi.

"If I'm not mistaken, Mr. Shindo, we had an agreement on your discretion regarding the public and Mr. Yuki's name..."

"CRAPOLAA!" Shuichi cries, looking like he's just been possessed by some very happy demon. He strikes a bit of a pose. Jeez, Shuichi...you're just making it worse... "This is TOTALLY not your business! ...MAN!" He balls his hands into fists and grins maniacally. "I'm gonna tell the WORLD! Over and over again! What do you think of that, Seguchi?"

Suddenly, my head feels light, and I can't help a weak smile at Suguru's mortified expression. Shuichi absolutely and positively knows how to push Tohma Seguchi's buttons. What an ass.

"Shindo." Seguchi, as level as ever, approaches my friend with a meager frown. "I am simply looking out for Eiri's well being where you obviously have no desire to, yourself. If you wish to tromp about, foolishly tossing his name into the public eye, then I suggest you do it under fame you've earned _without_ my company!"

"MAYBE I WILL!"

Seguchi sighs and looks, at the most, annoyed.

"I hope you are also considering how much of Bad Luck's future rests in my hand, Mr. Shindo," he speaks, unworried now. Of course, Shuichi is hardly fazed. This threat sounds familiar to all of us. I can't help but think about how this is all that damn Yuki's fault.

"Not caring," Shuichi returns, tone as fiery as Tohma's is cool. "We've got K; we can make it without you now."

I bite back a cough as the door bursts open for the second time this morning. K steps into the room, wearing a humorless, intense expression.

"SHUICHI SHINDO!" He bellows excitedly with a badly-hidden grin, and I can't help but wonder if he's getting some pleasure out of this chaos. Also take note of how Suguru, Sakano, and I are just kind of...here. "Don't think you can drag me down with you over a dim-witted argument!" He waves his flashy gun around. Of course, everyone's used to that.

"Uh, K?" Shuichi puts on a surprised look. "Wait, what? But...but you were on my side before! What now, you decided not to disagree with the GREAT Seguchi?" He demands an answer with that silly baby face.

"Bang!" K grins down even wider at Shuichi, kinda blowing him off (no pun intended) with that comment, and then looks at Seguchi. "Mr. Seguchi! The area is secure."

Everyone except Shuichi turns to look at K. That man has always been a bit bizarre, hasn't he? Seguchi clears his throat softly.

"Thank you." The president glances at Shuichi, who is just standing there, at a loss. "Mr. Shindo, I'll have no patience for this sort of trifling in the future. I trust that rules and agreements will all be followed without the inconvenience of policing."

K steps aside so Seguchi can leave the room.

There was a hint of steel in the blonde man's voice, the bit of hardened, edgy tone that immediately shows up any number of his sweet smiles. Hopefully that was the most hint Shuichi needed to understand that some things aren't worth arguing with your employer over.

He really loves Yuki that much.

Crud...

**...(tormenta)...**

"Hiro, I'm such a dummy sometimes!"

Oh? You think? I grin and fight the urge to ruffle Shuichi's hair. Hands to yourself, Hiroshi—hands to yourself!

"Yeah, you are," I say, leaning back against the wall and closing one eye, yawning kind of rudely. Shuichi is too absorbed in his own problems to be offended. Doubt he would be, anyway.

"Eiri is gonna be so mad!" He whines and fists his hands, all keyed up. "He hates it when I mention him on TV—but I didn't MEAN to...!" He suddenly looks forlorn, pouting as if this predicament is not his fault in any way.

I keep grinning, grudgingly resigned to the fact that Yuki will always mean more to him than I do.

"Don't mope around. What's done is done." True to form, he ignores me and continues his histrionics.

"What if he doesn't let me in the house again?" He groans and flops down on the floor. I don't bother to tell him that it's not sanitary to lie down on the company bathroom's floor, 'cause I don't think he cares either way.

I lean forward (damn it!) and quickly nudge his cheek with my knuckles. "He'll get over it," I say lightly, "He always does, doesn't he? He loves you, after all." What the hell possessed me to say that?

Shuichi wails and launches himself at me, clinging childishly to my waist.

"Hirooo! You really think so? Does Eiri really love me?" He keens. I sigh and rest my hand on the head he's shoved against my chest.

"Ask him yourself," I tell him shortly, feeling a bitter frown crawl unbidden onto my face. He doesn't seem to notice the change in my expression.

"Yeah! I think I will!" He relinquishes my waist, jumping up and racing out of the restroom with a loud slam of the flip-door against the outer wall. "Thanks, Hiro!" I hear him call back as the door flip, flip, flips shut.

"You're welcome," I mutter under my breath, closing my eyes and running a hand down my face. I crane my neck back and stare at the ceiling despondently, wondering what kind of cruddy friend I'm becoming. Shuichi has gone to ask Yuki if he loves him...

Do I deserve to go to hell for hoping the answer will be no?

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_**a/n**: don't worry, Hiro, we loooove you._


	4. Fa

_**a/n**: I still don't know what the point of this story is. xD In any case, this chapter is longer (oops) and things get dramatic and angsty._

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**Chapter 4**

Wow. Wow is the only word for it. I've never heard anything like it before. The arrangement is brilliant and contemporary, but still so appealing...there is no mistake—Suguru Fujisaki is a genius. This song is amazing!

"Eh," I smile faintly and lean back, folding my arms in boredom. "It's okay, I guess."

Suguru looks at me with a very baffled expression, questions in his eyes. I shrug nonchalantly and close my eyes, pretending to nap, and I hear him push away from his keyboard with an aggravated huff, leaving the room. Now I open my eyes and grin genuinely.

"Just kidding, Suguru!" I call after him with a laugh. "It's great, so get your huffy ass back here!"

I look to the side and notice Sakano peering at me curiously.

"Is something wrong, Mr. Nakano?" He asks. "You seem a bit out of sorts."

Out of sorts, huh? How am I supposed to know? I guess people really do notice less about themselves than anyone else.

"Nope. I'm fine." I smile reassuringly.

He nods with a needlessly serious expression and returns to whatever he was doing. Suguru walks in at that moment, looking a little irked, but he'll be alright. Now, though, I notice Shuichi is sitting in the corner of the studio, an oddly funny air of melodrama around him.

My heart jumped a bit. I wonder what Yuki told him...

Stop! Damn! It's despicable; I'm getting more and more selfish by the moment. Will I even be able to hold back these shameful feelings when it comes down to it? God, give me strength. I grit my teeth.

"Shuichi," I call. "Can you sing today?"

He turns his head slowly to look over his shoulder at me. He looks like crap, but I don't worry about it too much—he tends to overreact when a situation isn't grave. I only get concerned when he's trying to fake happiness; that's when it's serious.

"Uuuhhuuhuuuuuhuhu." He groans under his breath, watching me with bloodshot eyes as if I might attack him or something. Really, Shuichi, quit acting so juvenile.

"Guess that's a no?" I stare at him indifferently, but he persists with his crocodile tears. I might seem cold, but this type of thing happens so often that the only way to remain sane is to half-way ignore it. I am starting to get curious, though. What happened?

"What happened this time?" Suguru asks my question for me, looking even more peeved than when I was teasing him. The kid glares at Shuichi. Little emo man just turns his head back to the wall and moans loudly.

"HEY!" K bursts into the studio and shoots thrice at the wall, each hitting dangerously close to Shuichi's head, but he isn't remotely fazed. "Shindo, this is no time to cry! Start recording, NOW!" He grins insanely and now aims his gun straight at Shuichi's head. "The media is starting to lose interest in you! That's bad luck!"

"ARGH!" Shuichi finally throws himself away from the corner and grips K's ankles, sobbing loudly. "EIRIIIII!"

"YOUR BAD PUNS ARE JUST MAKING THIS WORSE!" Suguru cries out in agony, rounding his eyes at K and clutching his own head for emphasis. "God...Hiroshi!" He turns to me angrily, for some reason. "Make them stop!"

"Uh...?" I scratch my head dumbly and watch as K cocks his gun at Shuichi, who clings onto him tighter. "Guys, cool it!" I take a step forward, but I'm thrown to the ground by a large weight.

I don't even bother with expletives; I just groan into the floor, where my face has conveniently planted itself. I push the weight off of me—it looks like Sakano fainted from overexertion or something, I mean, _really_—and notice that K seems to have kicked Shuichi's face and gone away, cackling. Suguru is just leaning his forehead against the far wall, mumbling to himself crossly, and Shuichi has recessed to light sniffling. It occurs to me that we don't even know what's wrong with him yet, except that it has something to do with Yuki.

Maybe I really should have gone to medical school.

Just kidding, just kidding...that story's old news, and besides, there's already enough drama in Shuichi's life as it is...

I wish I could say I'm not living my life for him, but what the hell? At this point, that would probably be a lie!

**...(nieve)...**

"Alright. Calm down and tell me what's up."

The time is 7:34 in the evening; the setting is Hiroshi Nakano's forsaken apartment, in the darkest district of Cityopolis City, Japan. A storm rolls in the distance; there are the usual neighborhood skives creeping about in the gloomy urban streets, but nobody comes to this apartment; they never do. Everyone knows the darkest corner of this hell hole is right where our tormented heroes sit, staring solemnly at each other. Nakano pulls out a Cuban cigar and offers it to his companion, who politely declines. They begin their shady negotiations with grave faces as the torrent pours on...

Okay, okay, forgive the hell out of me for trying to be funny. Jeez...

"Eiri!" Shuichi moans, lying like a beaten-up doll near where I sit, cross-legged, on my floor. Mental note to dig out vacuum tomorrow. "Eireee-eee-eee."

"So I've heard," I sigh, biting back an annoyed look as I try my best to be compassionate. It's for Shuichi...it's for Shuichi...

He crawls closer and looks up at me, anguished.

"He left me!"

Oh, man.

"Shuichi," I say softly, acting decidedly more sympathetic as I try not to overreact to this news. "Shuichi, it's okay. He's not worth-"

"AW, HIROO!" He knocks me back by throwing himself against my chest with a loud sob. "HE'S GONE! HE LEFT WITHOUT TELLING ME! WAAH!"

Okay, we'll get through this. I know exactly how to fix this...don't worry...uh...

Auh! What the hell am I supposed to say?

Crap. Ah, uh...damn it...my heart rate just hit Mach 68...

"It's alright, man...it's..." As it happens, the more my heart slams at my chest, the softer my voice gets. I didn't even realize my arms had snaked around his back, but hey, I'm just fine holding him like this. "...gonna be alright..." My voice falls back to a breathy whisper.

His sobbing calms and he grips tightly at my chest, sighing dejectedly.

"Hiro...what if...what if he really doesn't love me?"

Okay. Way to draw an entirely overdue conclusion. It's okay, though, I'll be understanding; I skip the sarcasm and remove one arm from his back to steady myself on the floor. With a low, deep breath, and having regained my balance, I lift that hand, ready to set it gently on his head...

"I mean, to not tell me and-and just leave to see his dad for a whole _week_..."

...and I freeze.

"Oh...Oh." I set my hand back on the floor with a little thump, suddenly feeling thrown. "It's not really so bad..."

I AM SUCH AN IDIOT!

Here lies Hiroshi Nakano, the official brainless optimist of the century. I can't believe I thought...I actually _thought_...

God, if you exist...you must REALLY love screwing with me!

Ay. Ay.

Okay, calm down...this misunderstanding was mine, and only mine...sorry about that, God...I'm good now. I'll be fine.

I'll be fine.

"Shuichi," I speak, far more steadily, and hold him still—more like a friend would, and not a lover—while he groans, finally tired of bawling. "It's only a week. He'll be back, like always." Jeez, I'm practically rubbing it in my own face. Maybe I've become masochistic, myself—but no, that's not likely. This feeling in my chest...it hurts. It really freaking hurts. I sure as hell don't like it, and I don't think I ever will.

"Mmmf." He seems to have decided that pining time is over, and he gently pulls himself out of my arms and sits back, smiling and sniffling one last time. He looks up at me gratefully. "Thanks, Hiro. I...I was pretty much acting like an idiot, huh?" He laughs despite himself and I smile half-heartedly.

"Pretty much, yeah." My smile widens for him, even though I currently feel like the neighborhood shit pile. "It's okay. Don't worry about it."

"I won't!" He beams, and I am simply in awe at his ability to recover. Small part of me wants to believe that's because I was the one who comforted him, but what would that mean? Nothing, really. "I'm gonna shack up with you this week, okay?"

"Yeah, sure. Okay." I go along with it pleasantly, suddenly too jaded to really get excited by the idea. I can just pretend we're in high school again; we're the same green, buoyant teens that started that garage band, back when all we felt for each other was the best kind of adoration there is: platonic.

"This is gonna be great! Like the good old days!" He jumps up, acting maybe just a bit too happy and disrespecting the sullen mood that the fierce thunderstorm outside had given this place. I watch him dancing about, bizarrely cheerful, and suddenly, he falls dramatically to his knees. Shoot me if you will, but I didn't even blink an eye at him. What's wrong with me?

"Eiri..." he whispers tenderly, staring at the tersely at the ground, and I notice tears collecting in his eyes again. "I didn't get to ask...you...if you love me..."

I grunt and shake my head stiffly at Sir Bipolar, rubbing my index and middle fingers over my tired eyelids.

"Chill," I say as soothingly as I can, but I think the bitterness was apparent in my tone. "You'll get your chance, bud."

"Ahhh." He sits up and looks at me pitiably. It's like a stab in my gut. "Sorry, sorry." He quickly rubs his tears away. "I've gotta learn to control that..." He laughs shortly. "Don't worry, Hiro, I'm great now." He tried to act casual, but I bore the real weight of those words anyway.

My perceptiveness: one thing I've really begun to hate about myself. That and the fact that I'm not Eiri Yuki.

Eiri Yuki.

Asshole.

"Really, Shuichi." Suddenly, I felt a weight like a stone drop in my gut, and I know this will not end well. It must be adrenaline, I think, as I scoot closer to him with a frown I imagine is scarily intense. "You'll be _fine_."

Shuichi looks a bit concerned—a bad sign?—but he doesn't glance away. He tries to smile, but I see it's shaky. "Y-yeah," he says softly, still eyeing me confusedly. "I know. Don't worry..."

No. Don't don't don't don't don't move—Crud, they moved, my damn hands. They came up on their own—I swear—and planted themselves firmly on either side of his head, in his hair. Now, this is odd. He didn't stiffen, but he seemed to relax. Shuichi's eyes speak the question that he's apparently too uncomfortable to vocalize:

What are you doing, Hiro?

My hands shift to hold his head in a more natural position, and, before I know it, I'm speaking.

"And even if it doesn't..." I mumble so quietly that he unwittingly leans forward to hear me. "Even if it doesn't work out, and he doesn't love you..."

"Ehh...?" He blinks. The fool isn't even scared, he's just confused. Idiot. Idiot. You should run away now. You _should_ be scared. _Of me._ Someone out there really does love to screw with me. As you would have it, I wasn't given one damn ounce of self control.

But, at least I've gotten an idea. This pain in my chest; the hurt that doesn't go away...I think I know what to do. I can't ignore it. I can't cast it away. I have to fight it.

"Shuichi." I almost wince. "No matter what, there is always someone who..."

...loves you. Loves you. Why can't I say it...? Because I'll sound like an idiot, because I'll lose face, because I feel like a serious ass admitting anything like that. Well, out loud, anyway.

Because apparently I have no problem kissing him.

The idiot that I am.

"Umm..." Softly, and far too kindly than deserved, Shuichi pulls away from me. He looks confused...so confused. "Hiro, I don't really get it, but..." Finally, he looks away from me and slowly stands. "I...I'm just gonna stay at home, okay? ...Bye..."

Our eyes meet for an instant and I lower my head into my hands with a weak nod.

I don't even pay attention as he walks carefully away; I don't hear the hiss of the heavy rainfall as the door opens, not the click of the door shutting, nor the sound of him breaking into a run when it does. All I can hear is the cruel, soft noise of our lips separating; all I can see is that immensely pained stare...and suddenly I'm the greatest asshole alive.

By the way...my theory? About fighting the pain?

It didn't go away. It got worse.

* * *

_**a/n**: I'm a big angstwinner, aren't I...?_


	5. Sol

_**a/n**: My 11-year-old brother invited me for a slumber party in his room tonight, which he does from time to time. Unfortunately, I stayed up until 12 watching an ABC Primetime special and he fell asleep waiting for me. I felt so bad that I just went ahead and set up camp on the couch in his room, where I now sit, writing this. I love that kid...sigh._

* * *

**Chapter 5**

I guess everyone is a little dramatic sometimes. I mean, for us little people, the perceptions we have are far more exciting than our lives actually are. It makes our lives feel meaningful, exaggeration does. Nobody should blame us for that small indulgence.

For some reason, though, there is none of that satisfaction this time. Maybe I've always been a bit too pragmatic and a little too impatient for that kind of stuff, but at this point I think a little drama might be the only thing to make me feel better about what I did.

If even that.

"Hiro, let's try it again."

Ditching that thought, I look up and nod at Suguru, going back over the chords in question and playing the role of "professional" all too well. You see, unlike Shuichi, I don't let my personal issues hinder my performance. I guess it's something I'm normally proud of, but now, all I can see it as is veritable evidence that I'm an insincere person.

Shuichi is a little tired and his singing is kind of weak today, but it's actually mild enough that, even though everyone notices, they all figure it's just the result of a sleepless night. Hell; as far as I know, that might even be the case. Thanks to his crap-for-brains, so-called best friend, he probably didn't get much sleep, lying awake all night instead and wondering what the hell is wrong with the world and who the hell he can really trust anymore.

Yeah, it's pretty obvious I have problems with what happened last night. Instead of getting frustrated, just admire my ability to act as if nothing happened.

Pathetic, I know...

After a relatively successful session, we ditch the recording studio for our "conference room" and laze down in various places. I choose my normal spot: the right side of the deep-purple loveseat (eventually, we got used to Seguchi's decor choices.) My eyes meet Suguru's curious ones and I smile quickly, looking away just as fast and hiding the bottom half of my face behind my hand, pretending to be lost in thought.

What, so maybe it's a bit obvious that Shuichi and I are not acknowledging each other at _all_. Hey, that's not my doing…well, not exactly. I figured we'd be avoiding each other by default and just went with it. Apparently, he did, too. I guess we shouldn't really have expected people not to notice.

Slowly, my gaze creeps over to the side and I catch Shuichi in my peripheral vision: Sakano is offering him some tea. Sakano. How nice for you (sigh.) I guess the producer is more welcome company to our singer than I am, now.

My mind wanders off.

"Hiro...did something happen?" I'm pushed out of my hazy state of mind when Suguru plunks down next to me on the couch. I blink dumbly and turn my head just an increment to meet his gaze again. I'm starting to feel like a spoiled brat, not wanting to talk to anyone.

I actually hesitate to answer...but only for a moment.

"Nope," I tell him carefully, and I have to fight myself not to look away. I guess I never noticed what an intense stare Suguru has. "Nothing happened." I wish.

God, would he only stop staring at me like that. The longer he stares, the more evident it becomes to both of us that I'm a straight-up liar.

"Look," Suguru starts, obviously WAY uncomfortable, "If you want to talk..."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Initially, I am surprised at how nasty that was. A snake would have sounded friendlier. "If it's not messing with my music, you shouldn't bother asking."

Hmm. Way to totally admit that something happened. Without realizing it, I shift my jaw around in aggravation. Still, I manage a polite "sorry I'm being an ass, but would you please leave me in peace" look. Suguru chooses to get all mad instead of leaving, but his anger doesn't seem entirely honest.

He looks away but still doesn't take a hint. I sigh noiselessly, and he turns back, staring at me again. His face has coloured, just a bit.

"I guess not," he says, sounding as if he has to bite each word out of his mouth in order to say them. "Sorry, for actually caring about more than just 'your music.'" He adds something else, quietly, but I didn't catch it.

With that, he gets up and leaves the room. I lean back into the couch with another sigh, closing my eyes in repose. After a moment to myself, I slowly open them and notice Shuichi watching me, at a loss. He looks like he wants to say something, but he won't. Probably. Maybe. Actually, it's possible that he might... ...Ah, who am I kidding? He won't.

We just stare at each other for a long time, and I only just realize that we're the only two left in the room. And yet, all I can do...is smile at him. He smiles back.

It's so damn fake that I want to scream.

I don't know, but why do I feel like I've suddenly become the antagonist in this story? I'm just so frustrated. I'm sorry, Suguru! Shuichi! Sakano (just because, for some odd reason, you're always the one most affected by our problems!)

I mean...my heart was broken. Not by Shuichi, but by me, myself...and let me tell you...that is the most bizarre feeling in the world. I gave myself false hope...tried to build upon a romance that had no base...you know...the whole enchilada.

Really, I need to get my head out of my ass. I need to find a hobby; I need to nip this burgeoning heartache in the bud. I need to get over it.

But, damn it! I can't.

**...(lluvia)... **

"Something wrong, Hiroshi? Did something happen?"

How I wish people would QUIT asking! Yeah, something happened, and NO, I sure as hell am not going to talk about it.

"Miss Ayaka," I smile so sweetly that I've probably given myself cavities, "It's so thoughtful of you to ask, but really, I'm fine."

She looks absolutely touched, but I know Ayaka; under that schoolgirl act is a horrifyingly perceptive woman. I mean, I wouldn't even be too surprised if she could read my mind.

Are we all stuck like this! ...Hell, I'm not gay. I just have a special kind of best-friend complex. It's hard to understand, I know. I don't bother with the details because people wouldn't get it at all...in fact, after all of it, I'd still probably be called gay! I mean, come on...I'm supposed to be too smart for these sorts of misunderstandings.

Admittedly, though, intelligence never associated directly with the ability to start a romance. It certainly doesn't now, and definitely not in my case.

"Shuichi is okay, isn't he?" She asks, and I'd be more annoyed if she hadn't said it with such an unassuming voice. I swear she does that on purpose.

"Of course," I say. Maybe it's a lie, but I don't really know at this point. "Why do you ask?" I'm practically digging my own grave.

Her brows rise up on her forehead delicately, and she watches me for a moment.

"No reason," she says softly. Oh, God. She definitely knows something.

"So how is Yuki doing?" Another of Hiro's amazing attempts to change the subject. Of course, I couldn't change it from a delicate subject to one that I am actually comfortable with. Heaven forbid. Instead, I chose to bring up the one topic that never ceases to make me suffer (remember that thing about being dramatic? Yeah.)

Really, I might have done well with some non-prescription meds at some point, but I learned to deal with these headaches without them...somehow, the idea of being dependent on such a thing makes me uncomfortable.

Yeah, but, as proven in the past few days, I am way dependent on Shuichi. Even if I wouldn't admit it out loud, look how influential he is on my mood...

He's even gotten to my inner monologues. That hurts, man.

"Yuki?" Ayaka looks mildly surprised, but not shocked or anything. "Yuki, well...uh..." Her gentle features scrunch up cutely as she considers. I smile without realizing it. Despite maybe not being as interested in her as everyone thought, I still think she's beautiful. "He's back in Kyoto for a while. A family emergency, from what I heard."

I nod solemnly, humming under the pretense of actually caring.

"Oh, Hiro." She giggles, amused at my faked seriousness. "Shuichi must be having a rough time without his dear Eiri."

"Yeah, he is." I offer her a weak smile. I mean, what's the point of getting all worked up about it? Yuki is Shuichi's boyfriend, and that's that. Sure, I'll probably try to make Yuki look like the bad guy from time to time, but who's the one who just had to wedge his way between the happy lovers? Me. I guess they really are the perfect couple. Yuki doesn't fawn over Shuichi; in fact, he walks quite near abusive sometimes, but that's what makes their relationship so real.

And here is the friend who always supported them for their happiness and one day just...sabotaged it all.

"Sabotage...what?" Ayaka gazes at me, a bit perplexed.

I, lost in thought, don't answer; I don't even look at her. I could remind myself to stop thinking aloud again, but I know I'll end up forgetting again, regardless.

...Now that I think about it, who ever really likes the "other" character, anyway? I guess there really is a reason that the third person always ends up with nobody by his side.

"I'm sorry, Ayaka." I grin gently, as a docile dreamer would. "I'm out of my head today. Hope I'm not bothering you too much." She smiles back, the purest form of affection in her eyes.

"Not at all."

Well...

Nobody who matters, anyway.

_**

* * *

**_

_**a/n:** Yeah, this is an amazingly sloooow story. xD Anyway, thanks for sticking it out with me. I'll try to make something interesting happen next time._


	6. La

_**a/n:** The Mr. Clean commercial song has gotten to my head and has made me perfectly giddy. On an unrelated note, I finally figured out where I want to go with this story (heh) and I changed the summary accordingly, because Suguru is going to play a bigger role now. -grin-_

* * *

It's been three days, and Hiroshi Nakano now finds himself back at home, eating a 9 o'clock dinner by himself. It's been raining nonstop since the evening he blew up his best friendship, and now he sits against the cold glass of his tall apartment window, watching old tapes of musicians he idolized as a young teen.

Falling back into a state of mind from years ago really helps me empty my head. I've achieved the meditative peace of mind.

...Another lie, of course. Maybe this is becoming an issue.

Even though I'm not the kind of guy who likes to sulk around by himself, the plain and simple fact of the matter is that there's just nothing else to do. Generally, on weeknights like this, everyone else too booked with things to do to keep me company (and, as you know, even Shuichi, who is currently freed up from Yuki's grasp, is not in a position to come bouncing over here to hang out.)

I sigh and put my empty plate on the coffee table, turning my neck to glance sideways out the window and down at the street. I can barely see anything, besides the commotion of umbrellas going in every which direction.

Let me be the first to say that what I'm doing is unacceptable.

What am I doing, anyway? Avoiding, sulking, brooding? Yeah, probably a mix of the three, which is really strange, because I've never done shit like this before. Of course, it's gotten pretty awkward at work in the past few days. Shuichi, at the most, just stares at me when he thinks I'm not paying attention. Sakano has been particularly knotted up about Seguchi (let's say it's not even my business why) and Suguru has just kind of...I don't know. He's a little distant, but hey, who am I to talk?

I haven't seen Ayaka since three days ago. Honestly, she is starting to feel like a burden. I mean, sure, I should be on my damn knees, thanking all forces of the universe for the opportunity to be with such a woman, but you know what...? I'm not. I'm a thankless, whiny bastard who recedes into the darkness because of one little screw-up.

...A little screw-up, huh? Well, now that I think about it...what's all this unease going to do for us, anyway? Maybe I should just try to fix what's broken and forget this ever happened. Well, not "maybe." I _should. _

Knock, Knock.

I'll encourage him to get Yuki to admit his love,

Knock, Knock.

...Because it would be the right thing for me to do. I'll apologize and watch Shuichi's happiness from afar.

Knock, Knock, Knock.

"Okay." I grunt, slightly annoyed, and swing the door open, only to be met by Shuichi's rueful face.

"Shuichi? What..."

"I'm sorry!" He blurts out and throws his arms around my waist, making me stumble back in surprise. I blink, an extremely delayed reaction, and don't move another muscle after that, just staring at the soaked head of hair pressed against my chest.

"...You're...sorry?" I reach out and close the door behind him as Shuichi turns his face up to nod at me. My whole body is a bit numb, and so I don't react too much to him clutching onto me. I can't help but ask, though... "Why?"

"Because..." and he goes into some bizarre explanation that makes so little sense that I won't even attempt to relay it here. Really, now, I should have known that he was blaming himself for the whole thing this entire time. Maybe Yuki really has stuck him to the idea that he's permanently inadequate. It's detestable for a lover to do such a thing, but...

Well, I'm not even going there.

"Hey, hey." I say softly, carefully removing his arms from around my waist...as much as I don't want to. I'm overcome with relief, though. "Don't talk about it anymore. I'm the one who should apologize, okay?"

"Hiro...?" He's confused. Genuinely confused. I can't believe it sometimes.

"Sorry." I tell him as earnestly as I can. "I was out of it that night. Let's just say it didn't happen, yeah? It didn't mean anything, so don't worry."

At my last sentence, oddly, his eyes darken in an unreadable expression. That look disappears quickly, though (perhaps I imagined it?) and he watches me confusedly for a moment longer. He then smiles brightly, and I just now realize it feels like it's been forever since I've seen that...so my hearts jumps a bit.

"Sure!" He enthuses.

_It didn't mean anything..._my pretty rock-star ass.

"So I gotta tell you what I saw today!" He makes himself quite at home on the couch, as if the past few days actually never happened. I grin, albeit a bit shakily, and seat myself across the room to listen. "Tohma said something to Sakano, who tried to throw himself out the window...but K stopped him...by shooting him in the head! It was so cute, Hiro!"

I try to imagine K being cute. That, in itself, is enough work to entirely occupy one's brain at any given moment.

Shuichi laughs, prattling on about something else altogether, and I indulge him as I should. It's like he's been dying to talk to someone for far too long, and now it's all flowing out of his mouth at an alarming rate.

I guess I'm happy that this situation is fixed, but this seems a bit...too easy. I don't know, but I've come to understand that things like kissing your best friend don't tend to resolve themselves with a simple apology. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but who knows for sure? Not me.

By the way...that whole thing about supporting Shuichi and watching his happiness from afar...

Absolute crap, all of it. Sulking may be unlike me, but martyrdom...?

No freaking way. I'll leave Shuichi and Yuki to their own devices from now on, but no way am I gonna be happy for them.

Ah. Friendship is such a beautiful thing.

**...(tempestad)...**

They looked out for me (even if I didn't need it,) so I'm constrained to look out for them. Call me chivalrous if you will, but just remember the word sounds exceptionally absurd in front of a name such as mine.

"You feeling okay?" I ask.

Finally, finally, FINALLY. After feeling inexplicably obligated to chase the man as he tornadoed through the building, I finally caught up to our producer. Something terrible must have happened to distress him this much, but then again...maybe not. Sakano is a bit excitable, after all.

"Ahh, Mr. Nakano." He sniffs and calms down. "How considerate of you..."

Sakano, the ridiculously dramatic man, comes up close and grips my hand, gazing up at me in endearment. Don't make much of it, though; this is typical.

"Sometimes..." he says, voice cracking a bit, "...you seem to be the ONLY ONE who cares! Why must your band mates be so disagreeable!" He tightens his hold on my hand and I remain silent until he lets go and decides to flip out in someone else's general direction.

I scratch my head and glance sidelong at some confused passers-by. Don't look at me...I was in the bathroom when he lost it.

Eventually, I decide that poor Sakano will have to take care of himself. Besides, there isn't much more I can do than to let him know we (meaning I) care. The fool is far less likely to attempt to end his own life if given even a tiny bit of attention.

Ah, Sakano...we love you, anyway.

When I go to return to Bad Luck's room, I sense a very staid aura coming from the door. I'm almost reluctant to go inside, but what could be happening that's so bad?

I carefully push the door open. There, before me, is the back of Taki Aizawa's head.

Well, I supposed that's what I get for ASKing. (Ahhh. Sorry about that.)

"Aizawa." I step into the room, prepping myself for whatever might happen, and watch him sternly as he turns to me. "What are you doing?"

I ignore the clownish look on his face and send my gaze into the room behind him. Shuichi and Suguru are standing there, Shuichi looking tense and Suguru looking puzzled. I sigh noiselessly.

Come on. Didn't this dunce learn anything from dealing with Seguchi?

"Ah...hehehehe!" Taki laughs, trying to act sheepish but looking more idiotic by the second. "Wh...What's with this look? I was just here to, you know, say hi." He puts a hand behind his head now. "I thought maybe we could...start over."

Start over? We're all taken a bit by surprise. I glance over at Shuichi, who is staring not at Taki, but at me, and wonder for a moment what he wants me to do. After all, I can safely say that, despite all of us having misgivings about this Taki, Shuichi is least likely to want him around.

Crud. I really just don't want to let Shuichi down, but I have no idea what he'd want me to do. Better safe than sorry, I guess.

"This is probably a bad time," I tell the man callously. "Sorry, but you're not really wanted here right now." Just kidding, I'm not sorry at all.

Taki blinks and seems to lose faith in his fronts (and they weren't at all convincing to begin with.)

"Well..." he blinks, persisting annoyingly. "You guys must have some free time tomorrow..."

"Beat it!" I glare fiercely but quickly mitigate it, might I look too bad-mannered.

He calls off all airs and frowns, a look of dark amusement crossing his face. "Then I'll see you guys later." And he leaves...just like that.

See us guys later! I wonder when it was he decided it would be well-received to refer to us as "you guys."

As soon as the door clicks shut, I look at Shuichi. He jumps down to his knees with an extremely charming baby face, putting his arms around my knees and shaking me happily, almost knocking me over.

"My _hero_!" He cries, eyes watering dramatically. I pat his head somewhat approvingly and somewhat dismissively, unable to prevent a bit of a grin from rising up.

What an adorable idiot this one is.

Determined not to tempt myself too much, I look away from Shuichi's face and my eyes meet Suguru's. This takes me by surprise; oddly, he's a bit angry.

Suguru...I always knew you hated bad puns, but...was it really _that_ bad?

"Shuichi..." he grinds out, and I find myself permanently locked onto watching him, fascinated by his strange state of irritation. "Wouldn't...Yuki...be mad, to see you like that?"

...What?

I wonder since when Suguru worries about Shuichi's and Yuki's relationship this much.

"O...Oh." Shuichi, looking downtrodden, releases my legs and crawls away dolefully, though I can tell he's still happy. "Yup, you're right." When he starts circling his finger on the wall, I look up at Suguru questioningly.

He's already looking away, wearing a badly-hidden scowl and glaring softly at something indefinite. He glances back, sees me watching, and turns back again just as quickly...but what really gets me...it's the fact that his cheeks turn pink when our eyes meet.

Well.

That's odd.

* * *

_**a/n**: Sorry. This is looking suspiciously like Hiro/Suguru fic, and, unfortunately for you all, it will be for a small time. Just remember that, in the end, this is still a Hiro/Shuichi story. I promise not to forget that if you promise to review._


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